Parents and Schools. Negotiating with your School. Sydney Australia

How to solve a problem with your school

Solving a Problem at School
It happens to all of us at some time, we have a problem with the school and we don't seem to be getting
anywhere. This applies equally to public and private schools, as well as primary and secondary schools.
It would be unusual if your child went right through his or her schooling and never once had a problem.
It is possible but unusual. So what is the best way to tackle it, when it does occur. Many parents try
the age old solution of ignoring it and hoping that it will go away. This can sometimes work, but often
doesn't. You'll need to overcome your fears and tackle the problem head on. If you ask many parents
they feel that if they do raise a problem with the school their child will inevitably suffer a backlash. The
children themselves also share this fear. For the sake of your child you must overcome this fear and face
up to the problems. The solution offered in most books, and by most parents is to go up to the school.
But who do you talk to? And what do you say when you get there? Here are some suggestions.

                                       BE KNOWN AT THE SCHOOL
In my experience people who are successful in solving a problem with their local school are already known
at the school. Imagine how you would feel as a teacher or principal when the first time you meet a parent
is when they arrive at the school with a 'complaint', or at least what the school sees as a complaint. You
are off to a bad start before you even begin. Let the school know you first as a cooperative parent, you'll
find it much easier when you do want to talk about something. So,go up to the school and be known. You
do not have to become the president of the parents group,just be a known friendly face. Also, if the school
knows you as a supporter they will try harder not to get you offside. If you want to take out some insurance
against having a problem in the future then this is the thing to do, be known.

                                               BE PREPARED
Be prepared, or in other words have a plan. Most people spend ninety percent of their time in the
discussions and ten per cent in planning. You have got to do the reverse, if you want to get things done
smoothly and easily. Talk the issue over with your child. Remember that while they usually tell the truth,
our children don't always tell the whole truth, or even know the whole facts of a situation. So gather all
your facts first. Then work out exactly what you want to achieve. Also think about what you would like
as your perfect solution and as your minimum.

TALK TO THE RIGHT PERSON
Often even the best plans don't work out because the parent has gone away all prepared and then
approached the wrong person. If your child is in a primary school then you should start by talking to their
class teacher. Make a time that suits them and sit down and go through in detail what your concerns are.
Give them some time to respond. There are often two sides to a story, and you need to listen to theirs. If
your child is at high school then you should probably start with the year advisor. Only if your first approach
fails should you consider going to the principal.

KNOW WHO YOU ARE TALKING TO
It is an old saying that you should know your enemy. Parents and their school certainly are not enemies,
however they sometimes find themselves on opposite sides in a dispute. Therefore do a little bit of research.
Schools are like any organisation. Not everyone gets on with everyone else. Don't let someone feel that you
have gone over their head. Even if you have a good case you can end up not solving the problem because
you have put someones nose out of joint. Don't end up with a larger problem than you started with. How
does the person you are talking to usually handle parents? Do they like a formal interview? Do they like to
be called Mr or Mrs rather than by their first name? Do you think that they like your child?

                              START POSITIVE AND STAY POSITIVE
Remember that most problems have a solution. You will find a solution by talking to the right person,
(after you are clear in your own mind about what you want). However you must expect to be able to get
a result. Start with a phone call. Be pleasant and don't try to solve the problem with a simple phone call.
You miss too much in a phone call. The aim of your phone call should be to set up a meeting, not to solve
the problem. Be aware of what impression you are making. You should aim to leave them with the idea that
you are a concerned parent who is willing to compromise but that you do want to get a solution. Ignore
any negativity from them. You are interested in a solution. Don't be put off by comments about your child.
Stay positive and stay on the topic at hand. Often teachers and principals focus on what they don't like
about a student, rather than what is good about them. You have to keep the focus on the positive and
ignore the negative.

                                              BE PERSISTENT
It is the squeaky wheel that gets the grease, which may be a shame but it is true. It is only when
someone realises that you are not going to go away that they start to listen to your problem and try to
address it. Sometimes both sides in a parent interview sit there talking around the issue, trying not to
offend each other. In the end both go away dissatisfied. At some stage you will have to confront the
issue and ask for what you want. If both sides remain on their best behaviour then you will never get to
the nub. You may need to go to the school on several occasions and talk to several people before you
solve the problem.

                                              FOR EXAMPLE. . .
Let's take an example to see how this approach might work. Sandra was quite happy with the way her
son Joshua's school was going in general but she felt that her own son was talented and that there was
no effective gifted and talented programme for him. She had raised this at a parent meeting and felt that
she had been fobbed off. She was very serious about this and had even considered changing schools.
What should she do? The first thing that she needed was a plan. She must think through exactly what it
is that she is after. She also had to consider exactly what she means by that important but vague term
'gifted and talented'. After thinking it through she decided that what she wants are the following:
#Some recognition by the school that gifted and talented education is important;
#An idea from the school of what they will do;
#A programme for Joshua especially in music where Sandra feels that he is particularly talented.
Now that she had a plan it all became a bit easier. She was able to work with other parents to get a
program going in the school. After several meetings at the school she was able to get the music
education extended although this means extra fundraising for her and other interested parents. She also
got after school music lessons for Joshua, even though this is not her first choice. Moreover, he is able
to play at school assemblies, thus giving him the recognition he deserves. So it took some time but she
was able to achieve a compromise that meant she could get a lot of what she wanted (not everything)
and keep Joshua at the school.

            SIX THINGS TO SAY TO YOUR CHILD

WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU
We are all very quick to tell our children what they are doing wrong and what’s wrong with their attitude
and behaviour. Try to get into the habit of telling your child what you like about them, not what you
don’t like.

I TRUST YOU
Everyone needs reassurance. Kids especially need it because they are going through great change. You
can be their rock.

THERE IS NOTHING SO BAD YOU CANNOT TALK ABOUT IT
You as the parent don’t need to give an instant opinion on everything they say.You don’t have to always
have a better idea or better opinion. Just let them talk.

MISTAKES ONLY MATTER IF YOU KEEP REPEATING THEM
Many people are well into middle age before they realise that they can make a mistake and then start
again. Give your child a head start by giving them the message that mistakes only matter if you keep
repeating them.

YOU CAN CHANGE
Some people live their lives thinking they are the one who is no good at maths, or who is overweight
or is always in trouble at school. What you’ve been or what you’ve done in the past doesn’t define
what you can do or who you can become.

HAVE A GO
We limit ourselves by not trying new things. You can get your child to try by rewarding them and
praising them for having a go rather than waiting for a perfect finished product to praise. Don’t expect
perfection from yourself or your child.

A PARENTS SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR PARENT-TEACHER NIGHT
A very popular method schools use to communicate with parents is the parent teacher night.
This is the season of the parent teacher night. If you find yourself in this situation here are some suggestions.
Try to start the interview off on a positive note by finding something you like about that teacher or their methods. Even if you are not very happy with them there is usually something good you can find to say.
If you begin by being critical of them they will feel inclined to respond in kind and you will both be off to
a bad start.
The teacher will tell you how your child is going without being asked, of course. However to get the most
out of the interview you need to think about what you want to get out of it. Think about what is the single most important thing you want to know or that you want to say. Think of it like going to a medical specialist. This is your time to ask, so don't waste it. It can even be useful to have a written list of questions. Put on
your own list what you would like to know but here are some suggestions:

#Does my child get on well with other children?
#Does she/he seem happy at school?
#What are their strengths and weaknesses?
#Does my child seem to be improving or staying the same?
#How does my child compare to the state 'average'?

Don't be afraid to ask for confidentiality if you want it. The person standing within earshot may be your next door neighbour and you don't necessarily want them to hear all about your family. The teacher won't know about this unless you tell them. A quiet word to the teacher (or even arranging a different time) can help here.
One problem that can arise is disagreements later on between the parent and the child over what was said.
The parent says 'I'm sure the teacher said…' and the child says 'no way, they've never said that!'
This problem can be overcome by having the child present during the interview (providing of course the
school agrees). Progressive schools are allowing this development and it also promotes a better, three way
form of communication.

Lastly, please note that this is a guide for parents on parent teacher night. Spare a thought for the teacher
as they finally get through all their interviews and then try to find time to talk to their own kid's teacher.
Next month: Choosing a school for your child.

                           CHOOSING A SCHOOL

People sometimes ask me, knowing that I work in this area 'what's the best school?' I'm sorry to tell you,
just as I tell them there is no absolute 'best' school. There is no perfect school but there is a very good
school for your child. The match is with you and your child and the school. What you have to do is look at yourself, and look at your child just as much as you look at what the school has to offer. Try to look beyond the test results or glossy brochures that seem to increasingly be put in front of us. Then you will be able to see if you have a match within reasonable proximity of where you live. It is no good finding just what you
want but then realising it is so far away that your child won't end up with any friends in the neighbourhood.
The first place to look for a good school for your own child is within that child. How would you describe your own child? Think about the things that they can do easily and well, as well as those things that they have a special interest in. Are they outgoing or a bit quiet and shy? Does this suggest a big school with lots of opportunities or a smaller one with a more personal touch?
Next think about yourself and your own attitudes and values. If you want your child to be constantly
challenged and achievement oriented this will point you in one direction. If you want your child to have a
happy childhood at all costs this will push you in another. What is your attitude to homework, do you think
lots of homework is essential? Another point to consider is a single sex school or co-educational schooling. Sometimes this is very important to parents if their child has no brothers and sisters.
Make sure you visit the school on several occasions, and talk to other parents of children at the school so you can get a feel for the atmosphere and tone. Try to be there at least once when the students are there. When you do visit you will want to ask your own questions, arising from your own perspective but here are three I have found useful:
# Can I see the timetable? The timetable is a very interesting document, it shows what the school thinks is integral, what they ignore and what they see as add ons.
# How does the school relate to parents? Are there regular parent teacher nights, does the school have a regular newsletter and do they welcome parents suggestions.
# How does the school handle discipline? Do they have a system? Even more importantly, do they have a system of encouragement as well as a system of punishment?
Lastly, it is only in the last few years that we have developed this fascination with comparing schools.
Don't let yourself, or your child get too stressed about choosing a school. Remember most schools are
providing an excellent education, and the vast majority of kids learn and are happy at their school.

                               BOUNCING BACK
Have you ever noticed that some people seem to go through their life dealing with obstacles that defeat others? It is interesting to see that in any crisis some people will come through unscathed with their head up high. This characteristic of bouncing back is one of the most useful characteristics that a person can have.
It is not something that you are born with. You can train yourself and more especially your children to have
this characteristic and be one of life's survivors.

This trait is nowadays often called resilience. However, like of lot of new ideas it is really a new presentation
of something that has been around for a long time. In other times it might have been known as optimism or looking on the bright side of life. No matter what you call this ability you can teach it and you can learn it.
One of the best ways of increasing your child's ability to bounce back is to model resilience. Show your child that you are optimistic and that you can improve your own resilience.

Have positive expectations of your children and expect them to be able to solve problems and get on with life. The first essential is not to take the problem away from the child. Demonstrate your faith in them by leaving
the problem with them. Sometimes they will make a mistake. Accept it and let them learn.

We often think that the best thing to do when we have a problem at work or at home is to keep quiet and
keep our kids out of it. This can sometimes be the case. However it can also be of great value to talk our kids through it, or even ask their advice. Obviously there are some issues that you wouldn't want to involve your children in. When it is appropriate let them see you solve a problem and feel good about it.

Try this simple experiment: ask your child how they see themselves. Positive, resilient kids have been found to consistently look at life with a future outlook and a positive orientation. Most importantly they define themselves by their strengths rather than their weaknesses. If your child doesn't then you may need to help them get a more optimistic and positive attitude.